I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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