Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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