I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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