so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
