Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
