Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
