Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
