Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Randomize
