I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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