She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
