you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
