can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
