So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
