Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
