He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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