The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
