Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
