in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
