Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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