she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
