She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
