doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
