I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize