my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
