so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize