Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have feelings that need drinking.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
