I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
