I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
