I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize