I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The ass gains better be worth it
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