How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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