why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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