I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
