I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Bring me that man meat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize