i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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