he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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