my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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