The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
