life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
