It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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