To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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