Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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