Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
