She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
