I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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