Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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