that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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