They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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