I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
North Korea, Best Korea!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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