You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
