You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My feet surprised me
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