bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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