just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
be right there i have to get my cape
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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