I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
