Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
