she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
