If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
