I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
