i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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