omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize
